


Disillusion And Deliverance

by aban_ataashi



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Family Drama, Gen, Watcher Desta, Weekly prompts, i swear this started as a quick character study, seeker slayer survivor, three weeks and thirty rewrites later i give you this, yes hello im back with more godlike angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 10:23:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16303364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aban_ataashi/pseuds/aban_ataashi
Summary: Galawain did not fawn over his children. There was no point to it- the kith might have borne his touch, but they were still mere kith, here and then gone in the blink of an eye. Some of his fellow gods may have developed particular attachments to their own progenies, but it was a foolish thing to indulge in. The children’s existence served its purpose, and any effort extended beyond their creation was impractical.Family matters can be complicated at the best of times.When 'family' consists of an easily angered god who hates your guts, complicated doesn't even begin to describe it.





	Disillusion And Deliverance

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First things first- this story centers on the recent DLC "Seeker, Slayer, Survivor". If you haven't played through that one yet and are trying to avoid any spoilers, you should probably skip this for now. I also mention a spoiler concerning a reveal from the main game about the godlike, so beware if you're still in the middle of the game.
> 
> That being said, of course I wrote something about that DLC. I know I've put out stories about my Watcher's thoughts on being godlike already, but when new content came out that included Desta's godly parent trying to kill her off via lizard... I had to write more. Enjoy!

 “But above all, the Great Hound celebrates the… the transformative nature of strength. Galawain’s greatest desire is that the prey becomes predator, babes become hunters, and the lost find… um, they find…”

“The lost find their own enlightenment,” High Priestess Elayne supplied, her eyes narrowed slightly at the child standing before her. They were in Galawain’s section of the temple, standing before the elaborately carved statue of the Seeker God. The temple was not large, but it was dutifully cared for and carried its own humble dignity. Galawain in particular received quite a bit of worship in these parts; the Living Lands were full of hunters and explorers hoping to be blessed with the favor of the Lord of the Hunt.

Elayne had hoped the setting would inspire her young charge to show more dedication to her studies. It seemed her hopes had been in vain.

“And the lost find their own elightment,” Desta finished in a rush. She bit her lip and looked up at Elayne with apprehension. They’d been working on this lesson for the better part of the day, and the girl was no doubt ready to move on. But the priestess’s job was to teach, not coddle.

She closed the book in front of her and sighed. “For all the time we’ve spent on it, your recitation has seen little improvement.”

“But I got almost all of it!” Desta protested. “I only needed a little help on the last few words!”

“And there lies your problem,” Elayne said. She rubbed her eyes with a sense of exhaustion. “Even now, you think of these teachings as only words. You’re simply repeating what you’ve memorized. Doesn’t this mean anything to you?”

Desta opened her mouth to answer, then paused as if she suddenly remembered to whom she was speaking. Her shining golden eyes flickered quickly to Galawain’s statue, and she gave a noncommittal shrug.

Elayne closed her eyes, making no effort to hide her disappointment. “I would have thought that if the Book of the Hunt would resonate with anyone, it would be one of Galawain’s own children.”

A strange, contemplative look settled onto Desta’s face. “What if I’m not?”

“Not what?”

“One of Galawain’s children.” Desta looked up at the priestess, her voice challenging and hopeful in equal measures. “I was talking to the hunters yesterday, and one of them said I look like a delemgan. He said they live in the trees, and some of them are nice. I could be one of those!”

Elayne blinked, alarmed. In all honesty, the child probably did resemble a delemgan, with her mossy green coloring and the bits of foliage that sprouted from her skin. Elayne had known Desta since the first day she had been brought to the temple as an infant; the girl’s features, once so strange, were now as familiar as her own reflection. And they could come from nothing but the touch of Galawain. “The delemgan are spirits, and I can assure you that you are most certainly kith. Why would you think anything else?”

The hope radiating from Desta faded into resignation at Elayne’s answer. Her arms crossed and she ran her hands over her skin, fingers tracing the trails of lichen that twisted up to her shoulders. “Some people call him the Father of Monsters. I’d rather be a spirit than a monster.”

A pang of sympathy rang through Elayne’s heart. She kneeled down before the child, taking Desta’s hands in her own. “You are not a monster,” she said earnestly. “You are just as much a kith as anyone else. The only difference is that you have been chosen by a god for something greater than you yet know.”

Desta’s face twisted into a frown and she pulled her hands away. “Are you _sure?_ Because none of the purposes in the book are about good things. It’s all fighting and hunting and killing.” Her golden eyes burned into Elayne’s, full of the certainty only the young possess. “If Galawain chose me for that, I think he chose wrong!”

“Desta!” Goosebumps prickled down Elayne’s back. She could almost feel the eyes of Galawain boring into her. “You should not question the gift you have been given!” 

The priestess took a calming breath. “I know his lessons can be harsh. Galawain is not a god to offer comfort or charity. What he offers is survival. Learning from him means learning how to be strong. This isn’t something to be afraid of.”

Desta’s chin stuck out defiantly. “I’m not afraid!”

“Good.” Elayne smiled and fondly brushed Desta’s hair back. She pressed the Book of the Hunt into the child’s hands. “Galawain’s teachings will help you to realize the potential inside of you. Keep up your studies, and you will find understanding.”

Desta didn’t look completely convinced but she took the book and accepted Elayne’s words as a dismissal. Before she left the temple, however, she turned back, eyes fixed on Galawain’s altar. “I’m not afraid,” she repeated. “And I’m not one of his monsters.”

With that, she turned and ran, back to her own room in the back of the temple. Elayne watched her go, worry and affection and befuddlement mixing inside of her. “You can’t deny she has spirit,” she muttered to the statue.

 

Yes, Desta had spirit- a willful, stubborn spirit. Spirit lent itself to strength, true, but coupled with starry-eyed naiveté it could be a dangerous thing. It was understandable in a child, but as Desta grew older her spirit only clashed more and more with the teachings of Galawain, in ways that the High Priestess could not overlook.

It was a strange blessing when Desta finally left the temple of her own accord. Elayne did not begrudge her that choice; the priestess had known for a long time that Desta was too restless to ever be truly happy here.

Perhaps she should have known that from the very start. No matter what Desta thought of Galawain, he was called the _Seeker_ God for a reason, and his influence ran through her veins. It seemed fitting that whatever destiny awaited the godlike girl- and Elayne firmly believed it was a great one- she would find it on her own.

  _I just hope you know what you’re doing,_ she thought to Galawain. It was the closest she had ever come to questioning his decisions _._

 

* * *

 

 

Galawain did not fawn over his children. There was no point to it- the kith might have borne his touch, but they were still mere kith, here and then gone in the blink of an eye. Some of his fellow gods may have developed particular attachments to their own progenies, but it was a foolish thing to indulge in. The children’s existence served its purpose, and any effort extended beyond their creation was impractical.

And Galawain was nothing if not practical. Even his worshippers received nothing from him without first fighting for it tooth and nail. There was no reason he should offer anything different to whining girls who sat at the feet of statues and asked about things they could not comprehend.

Desta did not truly catch his notice until she became embroiled in Thaos’s plot. Before that, she had been drifting through world, dull and aimless. Her time in those days had been pointlessly devoted to her precious paladins, guarding the weak who by all rights should have been culled from the herd. Even being transformed into a Watcher had happened through blind luck and circumstance rather than any competence on her part.

But she now had his attention. He watched her embrace her newfound abilities, watched her become stronger and accumulate power. She was still soft-hearted and foolish- that much was plain when she squandered the potential of the regained souls by returning them to the Hollowborn. But she had perseverance and a strong will, traits she had learned from Galawain’s teachings whether she acknowledged it or not.

Galawain could almost believe she had a chance stopping Eothas. Almost. What Berath failed to see was that they were already too late. Aside from that, his daughter lacked the ruthlessness and hungry cunning required to be anything more than a pawn in a tedious game. She was too easily swayed by emotions, too easily distracted by the need to save every pitiful weakling she came across. She would fail.

Knowing this, Galawain prepared for the worst. He was no fool; whatever Eothas was planning, he would not be around to suffer it. He would draw power from Kazuwari and the souls that worshiped him there. For as long as he needed, he would survive. What happened to Desta was no concern of his.

 

Until he realized she was set on entering Kazuwari. That was when his attention to her shifted from disinterested irritation to true anger.

He gave her one chance to turn back. She did not heed him. She had been growing bolder as of late, ever since Berath had foolishly revealed to her the purpose their godlike children served. Whatever respect for the gods that had managed to survive inside of Desta up that point had been obliterated, and now she glared at Galawain with ineffective righteousness.

“I’m not going anywhere. These people need my help.”

Her _help._ Desta loved to _help_ people. Did she not realize that her help only made them _weak?_

Galawain’s answer came in a growl. “They will live and die by the ferocity of their wits and the edge of their blades. They need nothing from you when they have _me.”_

Desta only glared at him. “If you think I’m turning my back on them because you told me to, you really have no idea who I am. These people asked me to come to their aid, and I’m going to, _and no bastard pretender is going to stop me.”_

She was brave, Galawain would not deny that. But bravery meant nothing if there was no intelligence behind it. Her presence on his island, as grating as it was, did not warrant concern. His daughter had always rejected his teachings, and without those the island would eat her alive.

 

* * *

 

 

Aloth had been worried about Desta since the minute they stepped on to this island.

Before that, even. From the moment she came out of her Watcher state on the ship, he knew something was amiss. After so long in her company, the glazed, faraway expression that came over her when she communicated with souls didn’t alarm him the way it used to. But this time… something was different. This time, she came out of it angry.

He hadn’t had a chance to ask her about it. They’d been fighting for their lives ever since they reached shore. Between the wilderness of the island and the kith that inhabited it, there was hardly a moment of peace to be found. Iselmyr, at least, seemed to be enjoying herself. Aloth quickly learned that it was a good idea to let her instincts sink in whenever they stepped into the Crucible arena.

Between staying alive and moderating Iselmyr’s bloodlust, Aloth did his best to watch out for Desta. For the most part, she seemed herself- valiant and bold and full of light even in the midst of battle. But Aloth saw the expression on her face whenever she looked up at the depiction of Toamowhai towering over the arena. It was the same expression she had when she came out of her Watcher state on the ship- desperate and lost and increasingly angry.

She continued to converse with souls after every match, and that expression kept returning until at last it came to a boil. Her gaze had been fixed in the distance, lost to another conversation, until her golden eyes snapped back into focus and she shouted, “I’m not _his!”_

Her words stopped short as she blinked, reorienting herself. She was breathing heavily, and she clutched the side of her head, as if trying to force away a headache. Her eyes swept around the room, and she seemed to realize that her companions were staring at her. Without a word, she turned and stormed out of the room.

Aloth followed her. His mind was already racing with the very worst possibilities- he hadn’t seen her this distressed from a vision since their encounters with Thaos. “Desta, _wait!”_

At his words she stopped and looked back at him in surprise. She hadn’t even noticed him behind her. Aloth reached out and took her arm, pulling her down the hallway where there were less people to stare. “What’s wrong?”

“I just can’t…” She shook her head and leaned against the wall.

“Is it Eothas? An Awakening? Are you hearing the whispers again?” Aloth was trying not to panic and failing miserably.

Desta’s eyes widened in alarm. “No! No, I- I’m fine. It’s nothing like that. It’s just that I… really hate being here.”

“Oh.” With that reassurance, Aloth’s heartbeat was able to slow back to its normal speed. He leaned against the wall next to Desta. “This may surprise you, but I must admit this isn’t my favorite place, either.”

She grinned weakly. “That spider did give you quite the scare, didn’t it?”

“Hmph. It’s going to take weeks to get spider silk out of my robes.”

A chuckle escaped from Desta’s lips, and she threaded her fingers through Aloth’s. They stood quietly like that for a moment, silently holding hands. Aloth knew Desta better than he knew anyone; if she wanted to tell him what she was thinking, she would. Sure enough, Desta eventually let out a sigh.

“It’s just that this place is like a giant monument to everything I ever wanted to leave behind me. All of this ‘seeker, slayer, survivor’ stuff- it may be the Toamowhai version, but it’s the same Galawain philosophy I heard my entire childhood. For years I thought that was what my life would be.”

Aloth frowned. He’d known Desta was raised in a temple, but she didn’t speak much of those days. Now she spoke quickly, as if she couldn’t stop the words. “And then I decided that was all bullshit. I left it all behind, and I thought I was living my own life. But it turns out _none_ of the godlike in the world are living their own life, because the gods could just _end_ it for their own purpose anytime they want, and that’s the only reason we exist!”

Desta’s last words came out in an explosion of anger, and she punctuated her sentence by slamming her fist into the wall behind them. She screwed her eyes shut, fist still clenched, and took a few deep breaths.

“Hey,” Aloth said, tightening his grip on her hand. “It’s okay. You’re here. You’re safe. Just breathe.” He remembered too vividly the night she’d received _that_ particular vision. She’d woken in an angry panic, but hadn’t wanted to speak of it. It had taken weeks for Aloth to piece together the entire story. Thinking about it now, it was a wonder Desta hadn’t blasted the Toamowhai statue to bits when they first arrived. Aloth would have liked to have seen that.

Beside him, Desta was breathing deeply, leaning into his touch. “I’m okay. Thanks. I can deal with it. I _hate_ it, but I can deal with it.” Her eyes hardened. “What I can’t deal with right now is every soul in this place singing Galawain’s praises and being so delighted their candidate for Champion is a 'true reflection of Toamowhai'. I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own, but it’s hard to believe that when everybody else believes that all my strength is really _his._ ”

Aloth felt completely out of his depth. He hated seeing Desta like this, so angry at herself, but didn’t know if he had the words to make any of it better. Desta was the one who was usually good at this sort of thing- the support, the hope, the optimism.

Perhaps she just needed to be reminded of it.

“Do you remember,” he said slowly, “when I told you that my father’s treatment of me was what made me a successful wizard?”

Desta mouth pressed into a thin line of disapproval, as it often did when the subject of Aloth’s father came up. “I’m pretty sure I called him some names. A lot of names. Why?”

Aloth smiled. “After you were done calling him names, you told me that was ridiculous. You said I got to where I was through my own actions, and that giving credit to someone who mistreated me was doing myself a disservice.”

Desta gave him an appraising look. “I don’t say this often enough, but you’re a good listener.”

“And you give good advice. Advice that perhaps you should listen to.” He leaned his head against Desta’s shoulder. She smelled of fresh earth and morning grass- a unique scent, and a pleasant one, and one he’d missed deeply over their years apart. “Family can do things that are unforgivable. Those things can shape you. But they don’t define you. Your strengths, your choices… those are yours. Even being here proves that. Galawain didn’t want you to come, but you came anyway.”

“Because if I don’t do something, this whole island will die and take all the kith here with it.”

“And you wouldn’t be Desta if you didn’t do everything in your power to stop that from happening.”

Desta smiled, and Aloth was relieved to see that her bright, determined look had returned. For once, he seemed to have said something right. She leaned forward to give Aloth a light kiss. “Let’s go. We have a championship to win.”

 

* * *

 

 

Desta could _feel_ Galawain’s anger.

It hit her like a wave, amplified by her Watcher senses. In the distance she could still faintly detect his beast, restless and hungry for a fight. Galawain was there, in the physical world, channeled through his monster pet. And he was _here,_ in the in-between place, standing furiously before Desta.

“This is _my_ temple! _My_ island! _My_ security against Eothas’s madness! _What did you do?”_

“I saved this place!” Desta shouted, fighting to be heard over the roar of Galawain’s displeasure. The anger in the air lessened slightly at her words. She glared up at the god, wondering why he was reacting in such a way. For all he may have hated her, she could have severed his connection to the island completely. She could have let his precious island fester and rot, and wouldn’t that have been the cunning, ruthless revenge a child of the Hunt would take against their enemy?

But the kith who lived here, the spirits that coursed through the island, didn’t deserve that. Desta had saved them, and Galawain’s temple with it.

“The Crucible lives on, then,” Galawain mused. His form, immense and overpowering, shifted slightly, like mist in a breeze. “I did not expect this. Not from you.”

“You don’t know me.”

“But I do.” Galwain’s gaze was piercing. “You are a willful, contrary creature. You neither understand nor respect that which is greater than you. You blunder into my domain and play at being Champion, but what do you know of this place? The Crucible is a testament to my essence. A safeguard against the rash and foolish decisions of the other gods. It is _mine.”_

 “And is that what the great Galawain plans to do against the threat of Eothas? Retreat to his island, alone?” That was exactly what he would do- Desta knew that. But even here, even now, she had to try and find something worthwhile in him. “You know you can do more than that. You say you’re so strong and powerful- prove it! Help us!”

His reply came as callous as she expected, but it still stung. “Help who? There are none who deserve my aid.”

Desta shook her head. “That’s not true, and you know it. You’re just a coward.”

The rush of anger was expected this time, but it still knocked the breath from Desta. The power of Galawain’s fury pressed in on her from all sides, the weight focused on her very soul. And then just as suddenly as it came, it was gone again, leaving Desta gasping and reeling. From above her, Galawain glowered with satisfaction.

 “You forget how fragile your own existence is.”

Desta forced herself to stand upright once more. She was not in any physical pain, but she felt as if she had just walked a mile through a biawac. Galawain had restrained himself from killing her, but only just barely. Why he stopped, she didn’t understand. Maybe it was his way of inspiring fear, of reminding her of what he could do. Maybe the conflicting chimes Berath and Rymrgand had sowed within her were beginning to affect his control.

Either way, Desta was sick of putting up with his threats. Her grip tightened on her mace, and with a familiar rush of certainty she ignited the weapon with flickering blue flames. “If you wanted to fight, all you had to do was ask.”

Galawain grinned mockingly at her. “Very well, _Champion._ ” And with that, his image dissipated completely, leaving behind only the porokoa that now stared at Desta with hungry eyes.

 

Desta was almost sorry to kill the creature. It was a mindless beast, created and controlled by Galawain. But it _had_ tried to eat her, and that soothed her remorse as she released its energy back into the island it had sprung from.

A load seemed to lift from her shoulders as she did so. She had done it. She had stood before Galawain- not a statue, but _Galawain-_ and had told him he was wrong. It didn’t change anything. He was still here, hoarding his strength and not caring about anything but himself.

But Desta was here, too. It didn’t matter what path Galawain had started her on; she was forging ahead on her own. And if all Galawain could do to stand in her way was send a pet lizard after her, then he had never been much of a threat at all. Desta was going to go where _she_ wanted. She was going to find Eothas. She was going to save this world.

For now, she was going to go back to her ship, hand-in-hand with Aloth, her friends at her side, all part of a little makeshift family that was strange and messy and _hers._ As she left the arena, she pulled the Champion’s cloak tighter around her shoulders. Accepting the mantle had felt strange at the time, almost blasphemous. But she had earned it, in spite of Galawain’s disapproval.

And if he ever wanted it back, he could just try to come and take it from her.


End file.
